I have not been okay lately.

Or maybe I haven’t been okay for quite some time, and I’ve simply gotten very good at moving through life anyway going through the motions, checking things off, showing up where I’m supposed to show up, and convincing myself that as long as I am functioning, I can be fine.

Somehow, though, God has continued to place people in my life in such a profound way. Some old, some new, and some I never expected would make such a huge impact on me. Looking back, I realize how many times He has sent the right people at exactly the right moment, especially when I didn’t even know I needed one. I’ll admit that I haven’t been practicing my faith as much lately. I became so overwhelmed by worldly problems like responsibilities, relationships, school, finances, uncertainty, and everyday circumstances that somewhere along the way, I started believing I had to solve everything by myself.

And because not feeling okay had become almost constant, I finally decided to seek professional help. I was diagnosed with GAD and ADHD, and suddenly so much about myself began to make sense. Why my mind wants to fix everything all at once. Why I can think about ten different things simultaneously. Why my brain constantly feels like it has a thousand tabs open, desperately trying to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything and at the same time feeling like I am all over the place. And being someone who feels things deeply, along with hormonal struggles, and sometimes everything seems amplified.

Then, 2 days ago, something happened that shook the life of the people I deeply care about, and somehow, the weight of it began settling into me too. I started waking up with an inexplicable heaviness even after a short afternoon nap.

I was deeply disturbed. I’m certain the feeling was amplified for those directly involved also.

I began replaying alternate timelines in my head. The what ifs. What could have beens. The maybes. I have always been someone who feels things deeply. When people I care about are hurting, I have a tendency to absorb their pain until my own nervous system begins carrying them as if they were my own to begin with. I feel them in my nervous system, digest it to every fiber of my being and ruminate every minute detail of what just transpired.

I lost my appetite. My thoughts wouldn’t stop. My mind vividly replayed conversations, images, words, and circumstances again and again. Then, in the middle of all that chaos, something inside me suddenly told me to visit 2 people who had been incredibly important to me when I first started building my life here in the US: Ate Eli and Kuya John. Though they live about an hour away, I just know I had to go and visit them.

So I did. Though, I didn’t have any grand expectations at least. I simply knew I didn’t want to sit alone with my thoughts anymore. The fact that I was already carrying things way before that, and how this tragedy came like a jolt felt too overwhelming to process. I wanted to be around people who had known me long before all these. Somewhere in between, I knew I needed to feel grounded.

Just when I thought, I knew I went into the right place.

The moment I arrived, I almost immediately broke down. I cried in front of them and let out this deep, weeping sigh as though my body had finally found somewhere safe enough to release all the shock, fear, and heaviness I had been feeling.

Both of them, stood there silently and simply hugged me. And before they even began what they had originally planned for the day, they prayed over me. And the rest was history.

For the first time in two days, something inside me began to loosen. They spoke to me about God. About complete surrender when things get too heavy to carry. How there will always be things in this life that I cannot control, no matter how many times my anxious mind tries to rewrite the past or simply by ruminating all the tone and tiny details of everything in between. And how majority of the outcome in our life always begins in the choices that we make. Then he told me about a book he had received only the day before. He had barely started reading it himself, he said, and somehow, he happened to be at a section about somewhere along the lines about carrying the weight of the world.

After hearing what I had been going through, he looked at me and said something that completely broke me open: The book had arrived yesterday to which he barely read yet about Sabbath. And learning about my circumstances, and the uncanny coincidence that I showed up unexpectedly today, he said the book was probably meant for me.  And all three of us started laughing and crying at the same time. The kind of laughter that comes when something feels so strangely timed, so beautifully unexpected, that all you can do is look at each other through tears and thought that God might’ve heard me. But in that moment, after two days of asking God for peace without even realizing I was asking, it felt as though He had answered me through people.

I knew it was God who led me there, and be there to listen to His word through people who are close to my heart. My spiritual mentors.

And somewhere between the prayer, the conversation, the laughter, and the tears, I remembered something so simple that I had somehow forgotten:

I am not God. We are not God. 

We cannot carry everything in the palms of our hands. We cannot control every little thing and every little outcome for people’s actions and decisions. We never have control to everyone to begin with. We cannot save everyone from their misery because by doing that, we get dragged down at their misery too. Some things belong to circumstances beyond anyone’s control. Some things belong to other people’s choices. And some things simply must be placed into God’s hands because ours were never big enough to hold them. And suddenly, I felt the hunger in my stomach and realized that I had barely eaten for almost two days.

I choose to believe that sometimes God does not answer our prayers by immediately changing our circumstances. Sometimes He answers us by sending us somewhere safe enough to finally put the burden down. Sometimes He sends people to speak the words we desperately need to hear.

There have been so many moments when I thought I was navigating everything alone, only to look back and realize that God had already placed some people beside me. All I need to do is seek for them.

But somehow, when life becomes unbearable, God keeps reminding me that I was never walking through it alone. Through people who sit beside you while you cry and remind you of God when you have become too overwhelmed to remember Him yourself.

I pray for strength for the people around me, especially for the one who was directly affected by this tragedy. The pain they are carrying must be beyond imaginable, unbearable, traumatic, and perhaps one of the heaviest burdens they will ever have to endure, especially during this time. I pray that I can be that tiny beam of light especially those who are walking through the darkness of sorrow and grief; for everyone whose life has been deeply affected by this loss. I pray that my presence can bring even a small sense of comfort, peace, and reassurance during a time when words may never be enough to console them.

I believe that we meet people for a reason. The people who come into our lives are not simply there by coincidence. Sometimes, God places us in one another’s paths for a purpose we may not immediately understand. Perhaps part of that purpose is to be there for one another during moments when life feels the heaviest and to offer love, compassion, support, strength and most especially, grace when they may not have enough strength of their own.

Through all these, I have learned that there is no such thing as coincidence nor luck in life. Rather, it is all God’s purpose why we are being placed in situations. May the one reading this may have the grace to be kind and seek more for His comfort and light.

“When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2